The Kloud-Kolored Metallic Mamamobile*

Remember that Whitesnake song “Here I Go Again”? Most of you guys that were teens in the glory days of MTV surely have an image burned into your corneas - a lively video of one Tawny Kitaen, all eighties hair and collagen injections, sprawled atop the hood of David Coverdale’s Jaguar. Well folks, in celebration of yesterday, I have recreated old Tawny’s famous pose for your viewing pleasure. Really. But you can’t see until a little later. So no peeking! I have bravely assumed this compromising position to celebrate a new addition to my family – a car! For me!


Before my big unveiling, let me tell the tale of our exceedingly inane automobile situation since Amelia’s diagnosis. It’s a story not unlike a Ben Stiller movie: he’s a hopeless dork and a catalyst for events unlucky, but just when Ben is about to catch a break, he instead catches his hoo ha in his zipper, and it’s all downhill for the next two hours. And so it is with our household and automobiles.

For the last four months and sixteen days, we have (according to the fine folks at the DMV) been a single-car family - with a car that, well, let's just say it has "issues". We fix one thing and trust it again, then it rebels and heads back to auto reform school. That said, we’ve been colossally fortunate to have a little assistance with keeping a rental car in our driveway. Words cannot describe how helpful these folks were to us and our peace of mind. Still though, a rented Chevy does not a permanent solution make, so the task of finding a reliable car in our price range still hung heavily overhead. The big fat reality with cancer is that Amelia can get sick at any time. Fevers equal hospitalization, or at minimum, a rushed 60-mile trip to her clinic for antibiotics – assuming said fever occurs during business hours. Our need for two dependable cars has nothing to do with convenience. It’s all about safety.

Fast forward a few months, and we arrive at Patriot Subaru, where I am merrily purchasing my car at an extremely discounted price, thanks to Amelia’s doctor and the owner of the dealership. Want to know what I got? A Jaguar it is not, but Amelia is utterly besotted with it and I have become quite comfy in my captain’s chair. I, dear readers, have crossed into the territory of minivan mama. I know. I never thought I would possess such a vehicle, but man am I thankful to the folks that brought us together. Before I describe to you how I plan to make minivan ownership cool again, I will share with you my celebratory photo, entitled “Tawny, Revisited” …

 

 

The charge? Shabbily done Cut and Paste. I plead guilty, your honor.

I’m sorry for leading you on. My two womb raiders and affinity for chocolate preclude me from actually doing the splits on the hood of a car – not to mention that the diminutive depth and steep slope of the K.K.M.M.‘s (Kloud-Kolored Metallic Mamamobile, as she’s been christened) hood would prove to be an especially challenging platform for these kinds of acrobatics.

I may not be as spry a hood ornament as Tawny, but I can still make my van cool. Here’s what I’ve done so far:

1. Dug out the first quilt I ever made, a colorful fleece-backed number with an appliquéd Volkswagen emblem carefully-stitched to its topside. It once draped the backseat of my wildly impractical-but-oh-so-fun 1972 VW Vanagon. Now it adorns my third-row seat to protect it from muddy paws and to contribute to the van’s ambiance (Vanbiance? Yes, Honda. I will sell you the rights to my new verbiage for your cutesy commercials).
2. Bought contraption to play my hand-me-up iPod (no offense to my sister – the iPod travelled northward in age and geography) through K.K.M.M.’s speakers. Now I drive around blaring “Sheena is a Punk Rocker” and soon, I hope, the lyrical styling of Swedish pop sensations Günther and the Sunshine Girls from my quality Dodge sound system.
3. Stocked K.K.M.M.’s generous cargo area with the essentials – raincoats for myself and canine, Advil (for me), treats (for canine), gum, reusable shopping bags (they don’t call it a “grocery-getter” for nothing), and hand sanitizer.

That’s a summary of my progress thus far. It has only been a day, you know. What else do I need? How would you make my van cool? Post your ideas, and I’ll start practicing my balancing act.

*Vehicle name inspired by the inimitable Tom Wolfe. Read him. You won't regret it.